The Pilot News - ‘As long as there is life, there is hope’

Messer is the mother of a drug addict (Stephanie Messer); and she decided she was going to combat her fear by making a difference.
“After nearly two decades of fighting my own personal war on drugs, I returned to college. I was 52 years old, scared out of my wits, but determined that I was going to reach out to others who knew what it was like to experience such mind-numbing fear,” Messer said.
Messer knew she had something to offer people who were struggling with the same problem: Empathy.
“I wanted to make a difference in the lives of others. I have been there, I know what it feels like to watch someone you love move closer to death every day,” she said.
While Messer knew she had to return to school to accomplish her goals, she also knew it wasn’t going to be an easy task.
“It had been 30 years since I had been in a classroom; and I knew that I was in for a challenge. But I also knew it was going to be a challenge for my daughter to survive her drug addiction, so this kept me going,” she said.
Messer wanted to be able to help children rise above personal tragedies — and she wanted to help their families learn how to cope.
“I wanted to show young people that no matter what was behind them, they could move forward and make a better life. I also wanted to reach out to the mothers and families of those young people. They need someone too — someone who can understand what they are going through. And someone who can convince them that they are not responsible for what has happened to their child. It took me a long time to stop blaming myself,” she said.
Messer knew what courses she wanted to focus on, but she worried that she had waited too long.
“I was afraid that I was too old to go back to school. I had so much fear that at first, I could not keep up and get the grades. But I had two things that helped me get through these times: One was God and the other was remembering all of the rough times with Stephanie,” she said.

Raw honesty from Steph
Messer realized she had another motivator to succeed.
“I also had a little girl at home who I adopted. And let me tell you, she didn’t cut me any slack. She was so competitive when it came to my grades — so I had to show her that I could do this too,” she added.
It wasn’t long before Messer settled into college life and began forming relationships that impacted her life in a positive way.
“I met a lot of interesting professors who taught me so much. And I became friends with many of them. I also formed a lot of great relationships with the students. I knew I was on the right path when these young people began seeking me out just to talk. That was a neat feeling. Some of these college kids had no real support groups. And I guess they sensed that I would genuinely care. I have a lot of great memories about the kids I got to know,” Messer said.

Stephanie gives speech at college
Faculty and students were not the only ones who enriched Messer’s college experience.
“Stephanie agreed to come to school and do a speech about drugs. She had always said that she wished she could speak to others about her addiction — she wanted to let them know how drugs could tear you away from the people you loved more than anything,” Messer said.
Stephanie’s speech was well received by Messer’s classmates.
“It was one of the longest classes — the other students were all ears. Steph’s raw honesty caused many tears to be shed that day,” Messer said.
When Stephanie’s visit concluded, she left Messer’s classmates wondering what her mother had for many years — would she survive.
“Steph was honest with these kids. She told them that she wished she could say she’d be clean the next day, but she could not do that. Because in her world, staying clean was a day by day struggle,” Messer said.
Stephanie was remembered long after her presentation.
“The younger students would come up to me every day after Steph gave her speech and ask how she was doing. This warmed my heart because I knew my daughter had conveyed to these kids just how serious drug addiction could be,” Messer said.
Messer continued with her studies, despite the fact they added to her already stressful life.
“For me, college was a lot of sleepless nights and a lot of pressure, but God helped me to achieve my goals and I was so thankful,” she said.
Lessons learned
Forming new relationships, learning about the justice system and human behavior were just a few of the lessons Messer learned while in school.
“I learned that you are never too old to go back to college. And you are never too old to realize your dreams. If you are truly passionate about something, you need to pursue it,” she said.
Messer also learned from her life experiences.
“I know that fighting for my daughter helped me to become a stronger person. I learned that even though things in my life could tear me down, God had given me the strength to survive and to fight for not only my child’s survival, but my family’s and my own. We all have that inner strength. We just have to draw on it and then use it to affect a change in the world,” she said.
Highlight of mom’s life
Messer completed a double major in Criminal Justice and Behavioral Science — receiving her degree was one of the highlights of her life.
“Walking down that aisle to receive my diploma was the most amazing feeling in the world. For the first time in my life I had accomplished something for myself — something that I knew would fulfill my life on a different level. I was a wife and mother, which I loved. But now, because of three years of very hard work, I was a college graduate. I can’t describe the sense of pride I felt that day,” Messer said.
Messer’s family celebrated her accomplishments as well.
“When I graduated, my son and two of my daughters were there, but Stephanie wasn’t. She had already fallen back into using; and she was on the run — she ended up in jail not long afterward,” Messer said.
While Messer’s inspiration for returning to school wasn’t there to celebrate her day, she did manage to congratulate her mom.
“Steph wrote me and said she was so proud that I went back to school. She thanked me for never giving up on her; she said hopefully, I would help someone to not live the life that she had,” Messer said.
Messer said she considered herself blessed to have the support of her family.
“I was so thankful to my husband, my other children and my friend. They not only supported me, but they never doubted, even when I did, that I would succeed,” she said.
The ink was barely dry on Messer’s diploma when she began looking for work.
“Not long after graduation, I went to Midwest Center for Youth and Families to apply for work. I had heard a lot of positive things about this facility from another student who worked there. I felt that this was somewhere I could reach out to help kids with traumatic life experiences. I was elated when they hired me,” Messer said.
Messer’s new position dealt with children on an in-patient basis.
“Midwest is a residential facility that has kids from six through 19 years old. It is a place that really cares for the children and wants to reach out to them so they can have better futures,” she said.
Messer worked at Midwest for three years, before the facility expanded and she moved to the new location.
Helping others move past problems
“I went to work at the South Shore Academy after three years at Midwest. Here we work with female, teenage residents who are going through DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) programming. This is a wonderful program that helps these girls move past their problems, whatever they are, and move into the future. It helps the girls to realize that they can’t forget their past, but they can move forward and have a good life and fit back into society. These young ladies discover how to love themselves, and also how to trust and love others. It’s a rewarding feeling to see them thrive,” Messer said.
Working at South Shore tugs on Messer’s heartstrings, but it also reinforces one of her strongest beliefs.
“My heart breaks each and every time we get a new resident. If you are into this profession for the right reason, this will happen. I guess it hits me especially hard because I am a mother of a daughter who I tried to help every way I could, but it didn’t work. I’ve always believed that as long as there is life, there is hope. South Shore strengthens that belief,” Messer said
Messer celebrates each resident’s success. But she can’t help but wish another young girl would have had that chance.
“I just wish we had this type of residential unit when Steph was young because the process is excellent and it does work. I have seen these girls leave and go to their families or wherever and they have a different outlook on life. We do not teach them to be perfect, but we do teach them how to pick their selves up and move forward in their lives,” she said.
Passion leads to success
Messer believes part of her facility’s success is because they hire people who are passionate about what they do.
“Our director cares what happens to these girls. She also cares what happens to them after they leave. That’s one of the reasons I enjoy this job so much.
We also have a wonderful staff team. These are people who work here because they are passionate about what they do. And I know our residents sense this,” Messer said.
Knowing that she is part of something that changes lives is a rewarding experience for Messer.
“I love the days when one of our residents gets released. They usually look at us with tear-filled eyes and say, ‘I am going to miss you all.’ They leave with a new-found sense of worth. And not one has ever left regretting their time with us,” she said.
Messer has some advice for parents who are going through difficult times with a child.
“Always love your child. But remember, God did not promise us perfect children. If you had a child with a handicap, would you toss them aside? Or would you reach out and help them. When I say this, I don’t mean enable them. I mean to stand firm and explain that their actions are not acceptable and do whatever it takes to get them help. But while doing that, constantly reinforce to them how much you love them and will stand by them. That goes a long way in the recovery process,” Messer said.
Emotions
Messer said that it’s also OK to experience other emotions.
“Even when you love your child, you may get angry or frustrated with them. And that’s okay. We’re human. I’m going through the anger stage myself. I am angry that I can’t hold my daughter, I am angry that I cannot be part of her life with her daughters. Even though their fathers are giving them a good life, a child will always miss her mother. And I’m angry that I may not be here on this earth to touch her again, but I do love her. I know she has a sickness, but the human side of me has real emotions that aren’t always rooted in understanding, and that’s OK,” she said.
Messer is sure she will get past her volatile feelings in time.
“I will get over the anger stage; and I will write Steph and go down to prison to visit her, as bad as I hate to go there. But I refuse to give up on her until the day that I leave this world.” she said.
Messer knows the drugs are the only reason she lost her daughter.
“Meth was Steph’s demon. It was stronger than any love she had ever experienced for anyone. And I know she loved her children, her family and many others — but once she tried that poison, she stopped loving everyone and everything. Well, except for using — it became her reason for existing,” Messer said.
While she knows her feelings will calm down, Messer also knows it won’t happen overnight.
“My anger will take awhile to settle down. When you love someone with all you have, you want them to want more... you want them to want you... and you want them to want their children. I learned the hard way that when meth is involved, it does not matter what you want,” she said.
Messer looks at prison as a means of keeping her daughter alive.
“All meth addicts live to use; that’s the bottom line. And if they’re lucky, they get busted and go to prison. I say lucky because prison doesn’t cure them; and it sure doesn’t reform them — but it does keep them alive,” she said.
There’s always hope
Messer will never stop hoping her daughter’s life will change.
“I can’t help but hope she’ll have the desire to stay clean. I want her to realize that life is so precious. I want her to draw on the strength that we all have inside and fight for what’s left of her life. I want her daughters to remember they had an amazing mother. And if she gets better, I want them to get to know her... make peace with each other and hopefully, forgive her for her abandonment. I know that’s a tall order, but she is and will always be my child. How could any mother want less?” Messer said.
Messer knows that she may not see all of her wishes come true.
“As for myself, well, I’m 59-years-old. I’ve done the math; and it’s heartbreaking to know I may never have another Christmas with my daughter, celebrate another birthday or hold her in my arms again.
“This time she’s gone for a minimum of six years. And I’m sure she’s realized I may not be here when she’s released. So I try to focus on the fact that she’s alive. I throw myself into helping the girls at my facility. I try really hard not to think about things that may never be. And I continue to believe my favorite quote, ‘As long as there is life, there is hope.’ In the end, that’s all any of us really has,” she said.